But in 30 years of time on this planet, I’ve noticed a pattern. Things that are supposed to be easy are NOT EASY for me!!?!???!?
Mostly things in one certain room of our home that I like to call THE KILL ME KITCHEN.
Like I can fail at things no one else in the world can.
It’s so bad that it’s almost impressive.
For example- EGGS.
I’m trying to eat two of them every morning because I’m pregnant and wanting to give this babe the best start to life before she’s 15 months and eating a forever old tater tot she found in her carseat and ravished like it was the best thing ever.
But I cannot figure them out.
And it’s so embarrassing.
Out of the last 9 mornings, only a couple of times have they been perfect.
This morning was not one of those lucky mornings.
First, I crack one open to find it’s still running or in my mind ALIVE AND I WANT TO NOW THROW UP AND NEVER EAT EGGS AGAIN.
Sick. Sick. Sick.
Yes, I threw it in the sink, but please don’t tell my Shippmate about those matches that he keeps saying I shouldn’t put in there.
So yeah, that is one extreme of my egg dilemma.
And then here’s what happens when I try to “fix” the issue:
Yes, overcorrecting is always bad, I know.
Trying to give your poppyseed size of a baby the best start to life is so dang tricky.
Because now instead of eating an awesome Bradley approved breakfast of hardboiled eggs, I’m eating a sugar cookie for breakfast.
PS: Please don’t waste anyone’s time by sending me a link to that blog about “how to make the perfect hardboiled egg” BECAUSE THAT HAS BEEN MY ROADMAP TO NOWHERE!
I started brainstorming for this Stocking Stuffer Edition somewhere between the good news of June’s EEG and the bad news of Black Friday. I even started this post and had high hopes to publish it in time for Cyber Monday, but well– life happened, and my mind was needed elsewhere.
And then tonight, I kind of wanted to write about all of the sweetness and crazy and details of OH MY GOSH I AM PREGNANT and everything that happened the day we found out, but I felt like shopping days aren’t getting any more abundant (16 days left!) so this post should take precedent. (But blog DEFINITELY coming soon about all things pregnancy and us finding out on the best day ever in our December 3rd!)
My initial thought was to only include items under $10 or so, but I snuck a few in that I either just absolutely love or that I thought might be close enough to the price of a work or friend actual gift exchange rather than just a stocking stuffer item.
1. The Wet Brush.
So, I hadn’t used a brush on my hair since middle school maybe? I only used a wide tooth pick and thought I was a hair superstar of a rule follower for doing so.
And then my favorite stylist told me about this Wet Brush.
A brush that would work on my masses of thick and curly hair when it’s wet?!?
Uhhhh, I was not buying it.
But then I did buy it, and I LOVE IT. It’s absolutely fabulous, and I’ve had the best hair days following this purchase, and I really think this brush is partially responsible.
I didn’t know this at the time, but they come in such fun colors, which I think would make it an even sweeter stocking stuffer, too!
I was a bit behind the rest of the world on this Evolution of Smooth goodness, but I caught up quickly because I love mine so much. I linked the exact one that is my favorite. Coconut Milk— come to mama! I actually seriously had to go find mine in my purse to apply just from writing about this, because I love this little EOS ball of sweetness so much.
Added bonus for moms with toddlers: June loves that the ball shape and pretty much everything about it really, and we might have played a game of catch with it in a church pew one Sunday. Hey– you do what you’ve gotta do.
3. Love Story Scentsy
I feel like buying someone else a scent related item is always tricky, but I cannot imagine a single soul that wouldn’t adore this smell. It’s not overpowering, and it’s just so so so good. Anytime I have this plugged in, people ALWAYS have to know what it is, because it’s that fabulous. I recently did a major Shippmate bedroom makeover, and after transforming our bedroom into a place of calm and romance and amazing (from what was more like a college dorm room– a guys’ one, at that) I decided to use my plug-in in our room, and this scent is absolutely bedroom perfection. It really might be my favorite love story.
4. My absolute favorite bronzer that isn’t bronze but rose-gold.
Okay, so I wanted everything on this list to stay under $10-ish, but I had to break my own policy for this, because I love it so much, and I’m sure there are people who spend more than $10 on stocking stuffers or just an actual gift idea for a friend. Or shoot– forget Christmas– buy this for yourself, because it’s fabulous. I got this when I was newly pregnant in January of 2013 (I remember this because it says it gives you a “glow” which I found fitting for that “pregnant glow” you’re also supposed to have lol) and I STILL have it, and I wear it everyday. Well, okay– everyday that I wear where makeup which is nowhere near everyday, but still– I’m impressed it is still kicking out powder for me! It’s less harsh than previous bronzers I’ve used and really does just give this rose-gold glow that I find absolutely perfect. On the rare occasion I’m in a hurry and forget to powder it on real quick, I always find myself thinking something looks “off” and then realize I forgot my glow!
OH- and June loves it, too lol. That’s probably because she loves the big fluffy brush I use to put it on and then tickle her nose with, but in case you were leery of my recommendation, take hers!
5. Make-up remover cloths
I’m so lazy at washing my face before bed (I know, I know– I’m aging my poor face 7 years overnight because of this or something that still isn’t convincing enough to make me do it everynight lol) but these fabulous guys greatly help motivate me! So really, if you’re giving someone like me this gift, you’re not just giving them the gift of make-up remover wipes, but also the gift of youth. That’s a stocking stuffer even Santa can’t deliver.
6. This awesome hand creme.
My mom gives me these from time to time, and they are the absolute best for keeping your hands unaware of the winter and frigid around them. This would be a fabulous stocking stuffer for anyone living in winter climates.
7. Pillow Stress-Relief Spray
A most thoughtful friend gifted this to me after I was fired, and oh my goodness, it was the best. And it’s still the best. I save it for special nights, and I just love the relaxing scent as I fall asleep. (The Shippmate is quite a bit less enthused by this pillow spraying excitement, so maybe save this one for the girls on your list only lol.)
8. My favorite mascara.
I go in spurts of loving and hating mascaras and this has been my go-to for quite some time. Thankyouverymuch, PT Twin, Eliza Payne! You’re the best.
9. Any of these little word blocks with special words from someone.
This is one Ryan gave me on June’s birthday, and it literally makes me smile every single day. I love that he picked that little thing out that means so much to me. If this is for a co-worker or a BFF, maybe pick words that are a bit more appropriate lol, which will not be hard because these things are everywhere and there are so many good ones. Every time I’m in Francesca’s or Gordman’s or anywhere with these, I could buy 13 for various different people I love.
10. A simple letter necklace
I think there is something so timeless and classic about these little necklaces. I like the idea of having a J for June, but if you’re buying for a friend with no kiddos, I think their first initial is also perfect.
11. Gift card for popcorn at the movie
I love a gift that is something I would not buy myself, and crazy overpriced movie popcorn is something that makes me cringe to buy, but I also so enjoy! So I think a gift card for the popcorn or even a popcorn/snack/drink combo if you’re really feeling generous would be such a fun gift.
12. Sonic gift card for guiltless Happy Hour bliss
This is pretty much self-explanatory. I adore a $5 gift card to Sonic, because that is 5 free trips to America’s favorite drive-in, baby! SCORE.
13. Last, but not least, is this little spoon holder guy that I find quite precious:
So this is the only item on the list that I don’t have and love, but I always think I need one when I’m making soup and fumbling around with where to put my spoon. I feel like this is great for someone who cooks and/or who is germ conscious, because I never know quite how I feel about just setting the spoon on the counter lol. And it’s cheap and fun and something most people probably wouldn’t buy on their own, and thus it screams STOCKING STUFFER PERFECTION!
That’s where I’m going to wrap this up.
Because well– you know I love the number 13, but also because it’s December and there is nothing I love more than some couch cuddling with my favorite Shippmate by Christmas tree light. Ah, it’s the best.
Happy Stocking Stuffing, friends!
All of this talk of stockings, and I just had to include a picture of ours– they’re from Pottery Barn and they’re from my Bobby. I love them so much, and I’m nearly in giddy disbelief that next year I’ll be sharing my middle spot with Baby June!
For six days straight, I’ve prayed a prayer that sounded like this…
Dear Jesus– I think something is wrong with June. It seems too weird to me she could have three seizures and focal slowing in the are that can cause seizures… so my prayer is for complete healing. I know You’re capable. I know You’re able. I also know You’re sovereign and it may not be in Your plan to heal her. I will still love You, believe in You, and praise You. But oh Jesus, if You do choose to heal her– the glory will be all Yours. There are so many people watching and following and I just see such an opportunity for the glory and praise to be all about YOU and YOUR HEALING and YOUR AMAZING LOVE. Let us merely be the messengers for the good news that is You through our Baby June. It’s in Your name we pray, Amen.
Every morning. All throughout the day. Every night.
I even asked The Shippmate at one point if it was okay to tell Jesus in what almost felt like a bargain– IF you heal her, YOU will get all the glory lol. I didn’t know if that was very holy of me, so I even apologized to Jesus if it was kind of annoying.
I tell you this prayer, friends, because I want there to be nothing confusing or unclear about the AMAZING news we heard today.
I give all of the glory, all of the credit, all of the praise to Jesus Christ.
I asked for prayers and you all straight up blew my ever loving socks off in the prayer department. I am so humbled, so in awe, so GRATEFUL– I just can’t. I can’t even articulate the joy in my heart right now. We have never felt so loved than we have these past few days. Hundreds upon hundreds of you– some we know and love dearly, others we barely know but still love dearly– you extended such obedient prayers and extravagant love upon on. We are working on the smallest token of our appreciation to show you all, but in the meantime, please know we are forever grateful for your love and kindness.
This morning was rough– Ryan and I were so stressed and worried and upset that things were just hard. One minute we were on our bedroom floor in tears praying together before waking up June, and the next we’re arguing getting everything loaded. I have to imagine that marital bliss is tricky in such circumstances, and I even text a friend on our drive that being annoyed at him felt like a welcome distraction from the real worry and aching on my heart about June.
As was this bear my mom and dad got for June. I kind of stole it for the majority of the car ride, because I needed some love from him, too:
June had to be up about 3 hours earlier than she normally is, and she handled that pretty well. She wasn’t able to go back to sleep on the car ride, but was content most of it and then when she wasn’t, her bear from Mammie and Pa was an IMMEDIATE gamechanger in the mood department!
For about the first 30 minutes we were in the hospital, June was very excited. She went on walks, waved to many doctors, and even scared a janitor with her precious “BOO!” He legitimately acted scared which made her laugh the cutest laugh!
But about 30 minutes in, she got restless and hungry and tired– none of which were easily remedied. It seemed like a million people had to come ask us the same questions and I honestly started to get a little impatient and just wanted them to start the process so it could be over.
We were also told by a radiology tech we wouldn’t get results for a WEEK! When Dr. Coffman had told us he would call us immediately. So that was stressful on top of the fact every emotion and worry was so present and heightened.
It was finally time for them to start the sedation— the IV went in beautifully, June’s nurse Heather was FABULOUS and had many toys and just a loving personality that communicated to me she absolutely understood the precious cargo of mine she was taking care of, and then we kissed her good-bye and watched as they wheeled her off.
And I was picturing it being bad.
Ryan and I made our way to the waiting room which actually turned out to be much LESS horrible that I had anticipated.
Something about knowing the whole thing was underway and going made me feel closer to peace with it all, and I was able to text several best friends, talk to my parents, and most importantly just be there with my Shippmate. The waiting room was really nice with tons of people watching to distract us, and we had about as good of a time in that room as I think anyone could have in our position. We laughed. We took some pictures. We prayed. And we just were there doing it together. I know that we are closer tonight after that hour long waiting room experience.
Which I will soon be getting printed on a certificate for the office I wish I had. Proud Mom moment, for sure lol.
I had that Junebug in my arms and feeding her in NO TIME. She looked so content in her bed just chilling with her nurse Heather, and I just felt proud. I felt elated just to see her, to hold her, to love on her, to feed her… I don’t care how weird you think it is I’m still breastfeeding my 15 month old– NOTHING MADE ME MORE HAPPY THAN TO COMFORT HER WITH HER FAVORITES RIGHT THEN.
Heather told us that she did wonderful and that immediately upon waking up, she looked up and said, “Hi!”
Oh, I have tears typing that out, because that is just so very June, and it makes me so thrilled and honored and GIDDY that I get to be HER MOM!
So something about the process where we just got to see her was such a huge high that I had to keep preparing myself that we weren’t out of this yet. I didn’t want to be too happy to only hear such hard news, because to be honest, I felt SO sure something was wrong. It just didn’t make sense to me how she could have that focal slowing AND seizures and they not be related… with the only chance of nothing being wrong meaning Jesus healed her.
June was quickly dismissed and when we said, “June- are you ready to go?” She looked around at her new fave Heather, her goldfish crackers, cartoons on the TV, million toys, and bubbles as their gift to her and said, “No.” Not like in a “NO NO” way but just real contently, “Nah- I’m good, guys.”
It killed me. She’s such a trooper.
She also was clearly VERY tired and we were warned the day would not be “normal” as it takes the sedation almost 24 hours to wear off. She couldn’t walk on her own and she was still pretty loopy.
We loaded up and prepared ourselves that we might not get to hear news today since the MRI ended up starting later and per that radiology tech’s info about it being a week until we heard the news.
On the walk to the car, I told Ryan that part of me wanted him to call immediately and parted of me didn’t want to pick up even when he did call.
We were just pulling out of our parking spot and about to start to exit the hospital parking lot, and my phone rings.
I answered it before the first ring was done, and within seconds of hearing the way Dr. Coffman greeted me, I KNEW JESUS HAD HEALED AND PROVIDED FOR MY BABY JUNE.
But when he actually said the words, “Her MRI looked absolutely perfect” I screamed and cried out in such an intense way that later Ryan said he wasn’t initially sure if I was upset or happy.
Which was fitting, because I was PAINFULLY happy.
I’ve never felt such a relief, such a joy, such a grateful in my heart in all of my life. Not even when June was born. Not even close really.
In just the few minutes from being loaded to us starting to leave, June was already sound asleep, so she totally missed our celebration as The Shippmate and I were just ELATED. So thankful to Jesus.
I emailed my parents and my mom called within seconds of receiving that email and was just as emotional as I was. I’ll never forget the emotion I heard in her voice, because it so much matched every emotion my own heart was feeling. But maybe times two being that she is MY mom. Gah. I can’t even imagine.
My tears wouldn’t stop. My heart was beating normal for the first time in days. My breathing felt like maybe I’d soon be in control of it again.
I haven’t stopped smiling. I can’t quit thanking Jesus. I can’t look at June without seeing the Jesus in her.
Let me end with what I wrote just minutes after that phone call to share with all of our precious prayer warriors on Facebook:
Oh and PS: June can’t stop praying and thanking Jesus either. I’ve seen her stop and pray at least 4 times this evening since being home including when I was washing all of the hospital off of her earlier:
Thank you, Jesus. We are so thankful.
I’ve received a lot of texts asking similar questions, so I’m going to attempt to answer everyone here.
I’ve been horrible at replying tonight.
I made Ryan’s fave in this Weeknight Lasagna Toss from Kraft Recipes, and it turned out to be a real hit with June, too. And then we did this:
Except it only looked like that for long enough for me to snap that picture, because June has never watched TV and doesn’t really know how, so it really looked more like this:
But in reference to my horrible lack of replies this evening– please know that I’ve read every text, and you checking in on us, asking how we’re doing, offering anything we need, requesting details for specific prayer… it’s all meant so much to me.
On that same token, I have over a hundred private messages on Facebook that I haven’t replied to. I’ve read every single one, and I’ve been so encouraged by your stories of hope and struggles, and I’ve been so thankful for your thoughtfulness in taking the time to message me. I want to reply to every single one, but it has been a whirlwind the last few days, and I just want you to know that I hate not replying but PLEASE trust that your message was read and so thankfully received.
Now for some details about tomorrow for specific prayers.
June can have nothing to eat or drink tomorrow morning upon waking up. This is not our norm, so please pray for her to be okay with this and have a content hour plus drive to the hospital.
June will be checked in at 8am and examined to make sure she is fever-free and good to go for the MRI and sedation. She has a cold that is much better than it was, but prayers that nothing will hinder them from being able to do the test tomorrow are appreciated.
After we know she is good to go, she will have to get an IV (which was a real struggle during our first ER visits back on November 7th) so I’m praying for a smoother time tomorrow morning. Through the IV, they will start the sedation meds.
We will get to be with her up until the point she is sedated and taken back for the 45 min to hour long MRI.
I’m crying thinking about this. I hate that she has to be sedated. I hate that I won’t be with her. I hate that she’ll be alone in some cold awful machine that I’ve never even experienced myself.
Whew. Deep breath.
Ryan and I will be in the waiting room clinging to each other and to Jesus begging Him for complete healing for our Baby June.
Dr. Coffman, our neurologist, has been exceptional. He was willing to come down and talk us through the results immediately after the MRI was over tomorrow, but we were able to get in sooner via the cancellation and we won’t be at the same location he is at tomorrow. So the initial plan was for him to call us between 5pm and 6pm tomorrow with the results. This had me a little concerned because if something is wrong, I want to talk to him in person and with Ryan, not over the phone. I made a few phone calls about this today and said we would be willing to drive straight from Children’s Mercy South to the plaza location and just wait to speak with him, but Dr. Coffman called me this evening with an even better plan. He made a note while we were talking in his phone for an alarm to go off tomorrow at 9:30am, and he will read the results on his computer and call me then. If all is good, he will tell us to get out of there and go praise Jesus all the way home (not his exact words lol) but if the MRI does show a difference in brain structure, he will have us come straight to his office where we can talk through what happens next.
It makes my stomach physically hurt thinking about it all.
I’ve not been great at relaxing and trusting God. I’ll own it. I’ve worried (which I know is not what Jesus wants me to do) and I’ve cried and I’ve been so stressed.
I have a face full of major breakouts to prove how not well I’ve handled this.
I’ve apologized to Jesus for not being better. I’ve told June I wish I was stronger.
I’ve both been elated we will be seen tomorrow and terrified that we will know what’s going on that soon, too.
No matter how not well I’ve handled it all, Jesus has never left my side. He’s been there to hear every prayer, every cry, and every anxious worry in this mama’s heart.
You don’t know how bad I want that MRI to be perfect tomorrow. I want it an unreal amount.
But if it’s not? I’m still going to love Jesus. I’m still going to trust Him. And I’m still going to praise Him.
Because ultimately? HE is the good news.
With that– I bid you good-night as I beg of your fervent prayers for my baby.
There has been a tremendous anxious in my heart ever since I heard that we would have to wait to get a call about the MRI which I then knew would involve a long wait until we had the MRI and then the wait for the results.
That’s a whole lot of waiting when The Waiting Place has never been my favorite.
Specifically last night, my heart was very anxious and doing that thing it now does at night when I lay down to go to bed where it beats incredibly fast in a stressful kind of way.
Earlier in the day yesterday, Ryan and I had been driving together, and I said, “I just need that test to be this week. Like I think that can seriously happen.”
My Shippmate had a look of concern on his face for the fact that I was doing what I always do– getting my hopes up.
It’s a serious problem I have.
I always have my hopes up. No matter how many times someone has been a jerk, I will always get my hopes up that they’ll love better and be nicer. No matter how full a movie theater looks, I’ll get my hopes up that a whole row will move so I can sit by my Shippmate. Even when the stuff in the flour container looked a bit like powdered sugar, I had my hopes up it would somehow just work out and make awesome cornbread. (You can read more about that good time here.)
So last night when I was doing my new normal of trying to breathe deep and calm myself down in order to go to sleep, I was half talking to Jesus and half talking to myself when I said, “I can be okay if we don’t get this appointment in before Christmas. I can even be okay if we have to wait until January. This Waiting Place while horribly painful is also growing my faith. I can be okay with whatever date they give us.”
Eventually I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until I heard June on the monitor at about 8:30 this morning. The minute I woke up, the very first thought on my mind was: PLEASE JESUS LET THAT APPOINTMENT BE SOONER THAN LATER.
It had been my constant prayer all weekend, and because I’ve learned a thing or two in our hospital and testing experiences, I decided to not wait for a call, but to call and schedule the MRI myself.
While cuddling and feeding June, I grabbed my phone and sat there on our bed for a good five minutes a little frozen. I knew that once I made the call, my hopes wouldn’t get to be up anymore, because I’d know the truth.
Maybe good, but also maybe bad.
June and I said a prayer and I found the courage to make the call.
Per some advice from my mom and a dear family friend, I explained to the scheduler that we have already met our very high deductible, and if there was ANYWAY she could be seen before the end of this month that would be so helpful.
The scheduler explained that for non-emergency MRIs they were actually scheduling into January right now, but she would see what she could do for us.
This is where I got a little emotional with her and said, “I understand you have so many people to care about and schedule, but if there is anyway… it would be so huge to us.”
Her voice was so kind and understanding and she said, “Well- look at that. We have a cancellation and we could get her in this Wednesday!”
My heart soared. Tears everywhere.
I can’t explain the grateful exploding from my heart– that moment and still hours later now.
I desperately needed some good news after the last few days that have literally felt like weeks.
After getting all pre-registered and going through all of the details of the sedation and MRI and results process, I gave that lady the hugest thank you, picked up my Baby June and we did a celebratory dance around our house that was ever so good for my soul.
My heart is still soaring. The smile on my face is the first real genuine smile since Friday’s phone call.
This kind of elation might seem weird since we still don’t know if June is okay, but let me explain…
I don’t believe in coincidences. I don’t believe that the cancellation was by accident.
I believe that was the kindest hand of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who has heard our prayers– my prayers, your prayers, and all of the prayers being lifted for Baby June.
To me, this was a small nod from Jesus that He’s got this. He’s right there with us– hearing our cries, answering them with unsweet teas and cancellations, too.
And I just can’t imagine that He won’t be right there with us this Wednesday at Children’s Mercy.
To each and everyone of you reading and loving us through this– first of all, I thank you– from the bottom of my heart, I thank you so much. Second of all, I urge you to keep praying.
Jesus is listening.
Jesus is answering.
It’s His birthday month and He has work to do in the right centrotemporal area of Baby June’s brain– let us be so obedient in our gratitude and pleas to Him.
And let me just end with the most enthusiastic praise to Him that we have but less than 48 hours to wait before that MRI.
I wrote this on our menu board after hearing the good news about the EEG last Wednesday, I then contemplated erasing it through angry tears after the horrible phone call Friday but knew that it was my job to praise Him even in the storm, and I’m so glad I left it up.
Let me tell you a short story that will represent the longer story of my whole day.
Like you’re going to hear this story and just put it on repeat and you’ll have the story of my entire day, okay?
Okay, here we go.
So because we have the sweetest and most thoughtful of friends in this Burg of which we live, Garrett and Ashley offered to take us to dinner tonight.
And as someone who loves to eat significantly more than I love to cook, this was awesome.
I looked forward to it for a good portion of the day.
Ryan said they said I could pick, which I secretly (okay now it’s no longer secretly) loved, because as mentioned in a recent post– I’m a bit particular.
I’m especially particular when it comes to food, so by 2 or 3 this afternoon, I already knew what I was ordering at either of the two places I was going to suggest.
(The giving of two choices is a total disguise to maybe make me look a little more breezy and care-free than I really am.)
Things were really looking to go in the right direction when Ryan said they picked Applebee’s which was my #1 of the 2 choices!
(Don’t judge me for Applebee’s being my #1. It’s Warrensburg. And I have a current love affair with their BBQ seasoned fries, and I don’t even care.)
We get to Applebee’s with all 4 babes unloaded and in the pretty empty restaurant to hear there is a 45 minute wait.
Which obviously felt weird being that the place was half empty (yes, I’m going with half empty over half full because that is the kind of mood I’m in) so we inquired about this to find out they aren’t allowed to move tables anymore??? Because of a fire code or something annoying, so because no sane people with 4 small children would dare endure a 45 minute wait, not to mention I felt like boycotting them for not just shoving a table together for us (that was probably my desire for my BBQ fries talking) we decided to just walk the small walk across the street to Rib Crib.
Which was not my #2, but I was like, “I CAN BE BREEZY! I CAN GO WITH THE FLOW!”
That and I’m not enough of a diva to request we reload 4 kids in carseats to get to my #2 choice.
We get seated right away at Rib Crib, because they’re all about pushing tables together and throwing caution to the wind about fires, and I’m not going to lie– I was internally pouting a bit and receiving the sweetest glances from across the table from a Shippmate who knows how very not breezy I am/how much I was wanting Applebee’s and knew this was kind of feeling like a bummer of a turn of events on my already pretty craptacular day.
I love that man so much. Let me point that out as the one positive of this annoying day. He gets me so well and he loves me so much that I just can’t even believe it. He’s the best part of my day today. (And June. She always is, but she spent most of the day with my parents, so The Shippmate gets to have today.)
Okay, so we sit down– I’m internally pouting (so as not to appear stressed out to our awesome friends that are so generously buying us dinner) and I see a new section of the menu with this pineapple Hawaiian-like burger that is very similar to something I get and love at Applebee’s!
THINGS ARE LOOKING UP! This is what happens when you’re “breezy” and “go with the flow” and I’m thinking, “Maybe this can be the new me!!!!”
(No, I was never thinking that, but still. I was applauding the way this was all about to work out.)
I even explained my excitement over this revelation to our table and revealed I was actually bummed to not be at Applebee’s until I saw this.
Our waitress arrives and right before we can order, she says, “OH! The kitchen wanted me to tell you they have everything but burgers. We’re out of those.”
Well, of course they are.
I’m no Oscar winning actress, so I don’t think anyone could miss the disappointment on my face with this announcement. Garrett even asked the waitress something about it confirming there was no way they could just make a burger!
Or you know, WALK OVER TO APPLEBEE’S AND BORROW ONE.
Ha. The fact Garrett tried to petition for the burger is making me smile now actually.
At the time, not so much.
I had just had a really rough day emotionally. I did something I’m not proud of and Googled around about what could be wrong with June late last night and then couldn’t sleep and had nightmares all night. It was horrible.
Then I woke up to an annoying situation I had to deal with.
Emotions were not being kept in check today, and I even cried to a dear friend in the church coffee shop.
I don’t know if anyone in the world will get this besides my friend Bonnie– so I hope you’re reading, Bon– but when everything around me feels a little out of control, it’s so important to me that my food can be in my control. Bonnie and I’ve had many shared freak outs when food choices fail us in this regard.
And it’s so silly. I know it.
I know I shouldn’t care that I can’t eat a Rib Crib burger when I have such bigger things going on in my life. When there are bigger things going on in the world. I get it– it’s dumb. It’s embarrassing and ridiculous, but sometimes I think when we do have bigger things going on, it’s the “we’re out of burger” announcements that can just be the last straw that sends us to the bathroom with Baby June to cry a minute.
For what was not the first time I cried today, and I can’t guarantee it will be the last.
We went on to have a good time (sans the burgers) with our friends, and even writing this all out, I can see the comical of the situation.
I can also see I’m so incredibly blessed to have friends like the Bartees in our lives.
And finally, and most importantly– the whole thing made me so unbelievably thankful for my Shippmate. Y’all– he looked SO stressed when that waitress said they were out of burgers. I think he thought I was going to order carside to go and make him walk to Applebee’s to get me that burger! Hahahha, no but truly– his face and then his “I love you” signs across the table meant so much to me.
He’s been my rock through all of this.
(The June situation, not the burger one- just to be clear… well the June situation AND the burger situation actually but I was referencing the June one in my declaration of him being my rock.)
And if I can offer any advice in this world, it’s marry someone that looks even more stressed than you feel when the waitress says they’re out of burgers.
Because in that, you’ve got yourself a best friend.
And for my Shippmate, I’m most grateful.
PS: As warned, the above mentioned Rib Crib bathroom incident wasn’t the last time I would cry today. In the middle of writing this, I went to do our bedtime routine with June, and during prayer time, she said, “Pray- Pa!” before a bunch of a gibberish she rattled off for him. And then “Pray- Mammie!” before more words to Jesus for her. If you’re looking for a less depressing post than the last few have been on here lately, you have to read How June Learned To Pray. I’m going to go read it now myself, because the pictures alone will give me my 13th cry of the day.
I woke up this morning and for just a brief ten seconds hadn’t quite remembered the weight of the news we received yesterday.
I woke up carefree and happy and then wondered why my eyes were hurting and felt so weird.
And like that, I remembered.
I also remembered that for weeks we’ve had SHIPPMATE CHRISTMAS TREE HUNTING AND MOVIES AND DECORATING on the calendar.
And part of me thought maybe we should postpone that big day I’d so been looking forward to.
You know, to sit around our non-festive house and just look at each other with sad eyes and feel frustrated with our updated news.
But the problem with that pity party of an idea was this:
With those skinny jeans? And those boots that literally kill me with adorable from her Mammie?
So I said a prayer for our family to choose to trust Jesus and focus on the positive, and we were off to our favorite Christmas tree farm for some Small Business Saturday shopping.
And you’ll notice in this next pic, a direct correlation between the presence of sunglasses and the size of smile on one’s face.
I love pics of us walking, because June is going through a stage where she loves reaching out for my hand, but this ended up looking like we’re dodging paparazzi lol. And I still love it.
Despite the uncertain of our future, our Saturday was actually pretty stellar.
Partially because I adore Christmas tree farms, partially because we have vaulted ceilings for the first ever and we got to get the size tree I’ve always dreamed of, but more so because of you all.
We were literally blown away by your love and kindness and solidarity with us.
As I read text message after text message and email and FB message and blog comments that never quit, I had this very itching notion to call our neurologist back to update HIM on some recent changes in our situation.
My phone call was going to sound a bit like this-
“Hey Dr. Coffman– so I just needed you to know that June’s still 25 pounds, she still can count to 9 with a slight confusion between her 6 and 9, and she still has a bit of a cold that I blame the horrible sleep deprivation from the EEG, BUT what you don’t know is that we have an entire community– AND BEYOND– of people praying for our Baby June. Like an unreal amount of people are joining us in desperate cries to Jesus asking for protection and peace for our baby, so I just figured you should update her charts with that. Because I’m pretty sure it’s going to affect her test results.”
Hahahah– I’m sure he would have thoroughly enjoyed that phone call, but I’m actually not at all kidding about the urge I had to “update” him on our situation.
Even today, I have felt the precious power of so many prayers being said for us.
And oh friends… oh family… oh Facebook stranger that is now a dear friend to me… your words today were healing and medicinal almost for me. June’s still on her anti-seizure medicine, and I’m so serious that your loving and supportive words felt like some sort of medicine for ME.
For my mama heart that feels so much pain and confusion right now.
When The Shippmate and I were in bed last night, we spent some time just talking about everything.
Nothing we hadn’t already said earlier, but in the closeness of our bed and covers, it just felt right. But as we re-lived some of it– the initial seizures and the most current news– I told him my heart wouldn’t stop beating so fast. This news literally and physically hurts me.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again— motherhood is the real deal, people. It’s an honor and a love like none other, and I’m so thankful for hundreds of you that knew how hard this had to be on a mama who loves her Baby June more than her own life.
So many of you offered prayers for our Junebug, and that is the most important thing you can do.
But then so many of you also spoke such love and kindness to me, and I just can’t thank you enough. I didn’t get to reply to everyone which I seriously hate, but please know, I’ve read every message, email, comment… I love words, and the words from loved ones and best friends and strangers alike have meant the world to me, my Shippmate, and my June, too.
The most precious girl that calls me her mentor (even though I learn just as much from her as she does from me) text and offered to bring us Sonic drinks this morning. Talk about speaking my love language.
However, among a lot of incredibly generous offers and extensions of love and kindness, one phone call this evening melted me like none other.
That would be from my Bobby.
(For my new friends– and please know that you’re my friend when you’re praying for my Baby June– you’re not a “stalker” or any other crazy thing you have referenced yourself in the messages– you’re my friend, and I thank you– but for the new people, Bobby is my grandpa. It’s my mom’s dad, and we’ve just called him Bobby as a grandpa name for as long as I can remember. He’s beyond special to me, and it won’t take you being around the blog long to understand why.)
He calls me and before we’re even talking, I can hear him fighting back the tears. He then tells me he read my “blob… or whatever you call that” (oh my gosh, I love him so much) and how much he hates this so much for me and for June and Ryan.
I can’t remember every word he said, but I’ll never for as long I live forget the intense emotion in his voice as he spoke a love that ran so deep– for me, for “his boy” Ryan, and of course, for his Baby June that he loves with all of his heart.
Bobby always has had a total soft heart for me and spoiled me silly, so you can just imagine how that’s overflowed to his great-granddaughter. (Just ask June and her ability to get Bobby to give her an M&M or 22 while I was in the bathroom at his house recently!)
My heart is truly grateful tonight.
Not for the fact we’re not done with all of this– I’m still hurting and frustrated and working through that.
But rather, for each and every one of you.
Please trust me when I say words are huge to me– they’re my favorite– and all of your loving words have made today so much easier than it would have been without them.
Thank you feels so small, but we mean it in such a big way.
We love you all.
Today was rough. Probably the hardest day I’ve had since November 7th.
If you’ve been with us, you know that we had an EEG that was thought to be super preventative just to make sure June’s three seizures on November 7th were caused by a viral infection as opposed to something more serious.
Wednesday was a huge day for us as we headed to Children’s Mercy– sleep deprived by instruction– for the big EEG that would tell us our Baby June was just perfect.
And we were told that.
Mostly. Our neurologist was so kind to come down to the clinic to give it a look and could see there was no sign– to his knowledge– of seizure tendencies.
We were told to get out of there, get some rest, and have the most thankful of Thanksgivings before we would get “official” word on Friday.
So we did just that.
Upon hearing the best of news, my friend Fallon text me saying I was probably able to finally breathe again for the first time in weeks, and she so very, very accurately articulated what I had felt the minute I heard the good news.
While I had put my hope and trust in Jesus, there was a small portion of my heart that had been unable to breathe like normal in great anticipation of that big test.
And at last, just in time for Thanksgiving and the Christmas season I so adore, I could breathe the most peaceful and perfect of breaths knowing all was well.
So when my phone rang this morning as June and I were heading out the door to go shop like crazy women with our Mammie on Black Friday, my heart didn’t skip a beat or feel one bit anxious when I saw “June’s Neurologist” calling.
In fact, I was glad to get to hear the official good news that all was perfect before skipping out the door.
Dr. Coffman called me himself and explained that the EEG did show no sign of seizure tendencies, and before he even said it, I felt the weight in his voice that there was going to be a “but.”
My heart immediately started beating too fast, I sat down while June was still saying, “Mama- ‘side” (she was ready to go “outside”) and I heard him say it.
He went on to explain that further analysis showed an area of focal slowing in the right centrotemporal part of the brain.
Which of course only meant MY BABY JUNE IS NOT OKAY to me.
It still doesn’t mean a lot to me, besides that we are not done with this nightmare of a situation.
It means June has to have an MRI to see if that area of focal slowing is indicative of a difference in brain structure that would need to be treated.
In the meantime, we keep her on the seizure meds, and we wait.
We wait for them to call to schedule the MRI.
Then we will wait for the next big test day to come.
I’ve never been a huge fan of roller coasters, and this emotional one is killing me.
I sat on my kitchen floor with June after that phone call and just lost it.
After telling The Shippmate and getting on the road to meet my mom for Spin and shopping, the drive gave me plenty of time to cry.
Both literal tears and desperate cries out to Jesus.
I just felt done. We’ve done this waiting game. We’ve arrived at the big test day and had a horribly emotional and stressful ride up to Children’s Mercy. We’ve shared prayer requests and praises with our people. We bid our farewell to that sweet hospital and have since been praying for “those other kids” that have to be there. Not us.
I learned this news before noon and didn’t have the energy or desire to tell really anyone all day.
I’m sick of asking you to pray for my family. I’m sick and tired of telling you news that isn’t mundane like what I had for lunch or borderline TMI like things The Shippmate and I laugh at before bed.
As I cried and prayed and prayed and cried, I looked in my rearview mirror at my sleeping June. So peaceful. So beautiful. So unaware of the worry and hurt in her Mama’s heart.
I’ve never in my life found normal desirable until these last few weeks. While waiting for my mom at Spin, I skimmed through Facebook and felt this horrible feeling inside of me. I saw these precious babies and kiddos of my friends, and I felt sickly jealous that they were healthy and my daughter might not be. I have my struggles in life– high expectations for people, a bit particular (and by a bit, I mean a lot), perhaps too observant at times, loyal when forgiveness should be precedent…. but something I’ve rarely struggled with in my lifetime is envy. I love celebrating other people’s highs and I love seeing people happy. But today, right there in the Spin parking lot, Satan had a hay day in my heart as I felt so jealous of every healthy baby that my friends didn’t even know to appreciate!
Throughout the day a range of emotions that are normally foreign to me came about, and I landed at just feeling mad.
I was text messaging our group text with Ryan, Bailey, and Atticus and I told them I haven’t really wanted to explain this to anyone, but I went through the details of it all, and then I said, “Wednesday was such a day of relief and rejoicing so the phone call was really hard, but we still trust Jesus has gone before us and He will be with us every step of the way.”
I wrote that because I’m a writer. I write words that make sense and are eloquent. I write words that sound good and churchy and make everyone feel warm and cozy inside.
But as soon as I re-read that part of the text, I literally thought to myself, “What a load of crap— I am FREAKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW.”
And because we’re a pretty honest bunch, I went ahead and told them that.
I sat in my car in the Walgreens parking lot and just bawled my eyes out in the ugliest and maddest and most frustrated of cries…
GOD– WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??! Why in the world would you let us rejoice that all is well and THEN this?! She’s my BABY. I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t even find the energy to tell people this horrible turn of events and I am just done.
I’m such a lover of Christmas and so the Christmas music on in the background was nearly spiting me, because I had been so anxious to embrace this favorite season of mine with a completely calm and peaceful heart of gratitude and now here I was— shouting at God in the Walgreens parking lot.
I figured I had made enough of a scene there and decided to drive through McDonald’s for a tea on my way home. As I’m pulling up to the window to pay, I reach to grab my card and remember it’s not with me, and I have no money. And you’d think I would be mad by this, but I actually said to Jesus– “Ahhh, perfect. Now I can continue this anger and be plenty more frustrated that I can’t even get my unsweetened tea. Awesome, God. Let’s see what else you can throw at me.”
Literally I was saying that out loud to God, as I was rolling down my window to tell the McDonald’s worker that I had no money and to cancel my order.
Before I can say a word, she hands me a receipt and says, “That guy in the truck in front of you said your order was on him tonight.”
Oh, the tears.
They were everywhere then, and they’re coming fast and furious as I type this all out now.
I looked up at Jesus and I simply said, “I’m sorry. You’re here even when I’m freaking pissed off, and I’m so thankful.”
Then I hopped out of my car quick as can be to run up to that nice guy in the Ford truck and with lots of tears, I told him we had received very tough news from my daughter’s neurologist today and I just couldn’t thank him enough for his perfect kindness. I explained that it could not have come at a better time.
He smiled a sincere smile like he knew the very way in which he was called to be the hands and feet of Jesus tonight.
Did that make all of my anger go away? Unfortunately, no. Am I completely at peace with it all? Not quite. Does it still make ANY SENSE in the whole world that we have a number in my phone titled “June’s neurologist”?? Not exactly.
But it was such a huge reminder that even when I’m mad… even when I’m not okay with what’s happening… and even when I tell God I’m straight up done… He’s there.
And knows exactly when I need an unsweet tea of a reminder.
I wanted to end with a happier moment of our day in this pic, as well as offering a sincere apology that most of you are learning this hard news via a blog. Please understand it’s not one bit personal, but re-typing or re-telling this to all of my favorite friends and people would have been too much for me today. I love you all. Almost as much as June loves Brown Bear Brown Bear and all pictures Eric Carle.