37 Weeks and “Not Quite Ready”
Everyone that sees me– strangers and friends alike– have one question:
ARE YOU JUST DYING TO HAVE THAT BABY ALREADY?
And I think that is because I look very pregnant. And I think it is because most people that look as pregnant as I do ARE ready. Or past ready and downing some hot sauce in an attempt to bring that baby on!
So imagine my peculiar feeling when I always smile and answer, “Not quite, actually.”
And then the look of- ARE YOU CRAZY WOMAN!?
Or like the older gentleman behind me at Wal-Mart yesterday: ”No, but really– you’re ready to get rid of that thing already, right?”
(The wording “get rid of that thing” I THINK was in reference to the watermelon of a belly I carry around with me and not my precious little peach of a daughter!)
(LeaAnn, do you appreciate that I just referred to Baby Girl J as two kinds of fruit in the above sentence? That was for you, Cupcake!)
Anyway, so people are really confused when I am not ready to have this baby yet. And I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it, because it seriously doesn’t seem like it’s information worthy of sharing in my Mother of the Year nomination.
But I like all memories and moments documented to look back on– peculiar and normal alike– so I wanted to explain this feeling of non-urgency that is on my heart this morning.
When people ask me, “Are you just so beyond ready?” or ”Oh- you must be just dying to have that baby already, aren’t you?” here’s what I would tell them if I thought they really actually wanted my full and complete answer…
To be honest, I’m a little scared out of my mind.
Right now, my life is so neat and easy and all my love can be cuddled right up on our awesome red couch with me, my Shippmate, my baby girl in my belly, and both of our cats. It’s so simple. And easy.
And from what I keep hearing, things are about to get way less easy! As someone who has always had some issues with change, I just have no clue what to expect is about to happen to our lives.
And when such feelings of uncertainty arise, I often default to imagining it being REALLY REALLY BAD.
Like upon entering marriage.
I knew people said it would be hard and the first year would be especially hard, so I just pictured it being HORRIBLE. And then the entire first year, I kept waiting for it to get really horrible!
And it still hasn’t!?! I love Ryan Shippy more today than I ever even fathomed possible on June 25th of 2010. I mean, I adore that man so much.
So it’s almost like my own little defense mechanism of envisioning something being super bad, so that I’m not surprised when/if it is, but then also can be pleasantly surprised if it’s not as horrible as I had imagined.
This all may be super unhealthy and perhaps someone will leave a psychiatrist’s number in the comment section for me, because I really don’t even know how “normal” or healthy this weird behavior of mine is. But I do know this is me.
And this is why I’m not just bursting at the seams to say YES I AM SO READY! GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!
Actually, yesterday at my 37 week appointment, the doctor declared my cervix “very unfavorable,” and then started to say something about not letting that be discouraging or something to which I interrupted–
“Oh– I’m great with it being a little bit longer. I kind of feel like if I was to have her now I would be robbed of some of my pregnancy experience!”
(And then I wanted to request that when things down there start to look more favorable if she would say in a very Effie Trinket kind of voice: ”The odds are EVER in your favor!” But I refrained. Next week.)
And my doctor laughed and said that probably means I haven’t had too uncomfortable of a pregnancy and/or that I’m just content with my current life.
I would agree with both statements. My pregnancy has been such a blessing of a breeze, really. I remember this winter when people would hear my due date was August 20th, I could literally see the fear in their eyes for the Missouri summer heat I would endure… and INSTEAD- I’ve had about the easiest, coolest summer known to this Show-Me State! I’m so very and incredibly thankful to Jesus for how comfortable and healthy the whole 9 months have been.
Her second statement did give me something to ponder. I suppose that some people have a baby and think it might restore a marriage or give them a new identity– and I’m sure a sweet baby can do both– but I think because people have warned me of how hard the months to come will be, I don’t have any expectation of this little lady coming out and making life EASIER! I feel like my life IS so wonderful now, so with my fear of change, it’s hard to picture it getting better!?
Just this morning, I was appreciating my very relaxed summer routine of waking up in the 8 o’clock hour to be greeted by my sweet cats that EVERY morning are waiting for me when I open the bedroom door and proceed to follow me to the bathroom and then literally sit on the ledge of our shower in between the decorative and plastic shower curtain while I shower. Which I think is just the sweetest.
I love it. And this morning as I was showering and they’re literally sitting between those two shower curtains bathing each other (SO CRAZY ADORABLE) I just thought, “I’m probably not EVER AGAIN going to wake up with 8 hours of sleep in the 8 o’clock hour and my cats may not even be able to shower with me anymore!?”
(Which some people– my mom included– would deem as a step toward normalcy and a good thing lol.)
The future is just so uncertain to me. Including the immediate uncertainty that will be the process of bringing that little baby girl into this world in the form of LABOR! I’m not even addressing any thoughts toward that, because for whatever reason, I fear that process way less than the weeks to come immediately after.
(Though it might seem a normal person would fear that event more than the perhaps absence of my cats getting to shower with me anymore lol.)
Just last night, Ryan was playing guitar in the living room with me on the couch enjoying his music while watching Baby Girl J literally dancing around in my belly to her daddy’s Shiphop, and I just felt so thankful for the peace of the evening.
I’ll keep you posted as I decipher through the journey of a question myself, but in the mean time, I do think this quote we’ve all heard but I re-read in a devotional this morning was rather fitting for an ending of this blog…
“While I don’t know what the future holds, I do know who holds the future.”
Praise Jesus for that truth!